writingJust a little something I am working on. Opinions are appreciated.
1. Epiphany
Laying there on my bed, I was hit by an onslaught of conflictive and contradicting emotions. I had no way of filtering them so that I could fully contemplate one or the other. They just kept coming. I was grasping at straws; incomplete snippets of each thought. Nothing made much sense anymore, and I felt more helpless than I ever had before. I felt as if all of my efforts had been in vain. Futile. As cliché as it might sound, I had always had the inclination to-and the faith that I would -find some sort of middle ground; a compromise that would make everyone happy. I was now beginning to see just how impossible and foolish the concept had been all along. I was seriously beginning to wonder if I was stupid or something. Why did I allow myself to be hurt and used by people time and time again? Why would I allow those individuals to keep coming around? I told myself I was trying to keep everyone happy. Not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings. It was only now, looking back on it, that I could see that- by trying to make everyone else happy- I was making myself miserable. In my attempt to keep from hurting others, I was only hurting myself. There is no doubt that at times I have been selfish and vindictive, but who hasn’t been that way at one time or another? On the other hand, I had the unfailing and devastating tendency to be so worried about others. It may sound like a good thing, but, how good is that when the people you worry over are the ones that are continually hurting you and using you? How good is that when you spend so much time worrying over those people, to the point where you push your own needs aside? Guilt had become such a mainstay in my daily life. I think I might feel kind of abnormal if I didn’t have something to feel continually guilty about. In the beginning, the guilt and the resentment and all of the other negative feelings were almost too much to bear. However, I have a belief that most feelings-no matter how bad they may seem at first- will eventually settle, and you can learn to live with them. Sort of the way a splinter settles itself into your skin. It hurts at first, but the pain subsides until you no longer feel it. However, as your body eventually pushes the splinter to the surface, your mind will eventually push all the negativity to its surface. It can’t stay there buried forever. Though I had tried fervently to bury them, all these emotions were now surfacing. They were irrevocable, and, as much as I might have wished, they could no longer be ignored. So, what was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to just start being a vindictive bitch? Though I knew that there were people who deserved that kind of treatment from me, I wasn’t entirely sure that I could even bring myself to be that way- it just wasn’t in my nature. I sighed and rolled onto my side, propping myself with one arm. What to do? I didn’t know what I would do, but I did know that I had to do something. I couldn’t just keep bottling everything up. It just wasn’t healthy. I was like a bomb that was on the brink of explosion. As I was laying there, contemplating my predicament, a musical tinkling came from my desk. I stood up and walked across the room, where my jacket was balled up. My cell phone continued to beep. I unearthed the phone and flipped it open. I stared at the bright display screen. 1 New Text Message it said. I frowned in confusion. Of course my phone had always been capable of text-messaging, but, honestly, I had never used it. I had no one with whom to carry on a conversation in person-much less through text. Well, almost no one…. I shook my head to get rid of the thought and pressed the view button. I need to talk to you. Andrew My heart thudded loudly in my chest. I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and typed a reply as quickly as I could manage. What about? I tried to come up with an explanation as to why this beautiful and perfect boy would text me. Perhaps he needed help with an assignment? He was very smart, thus, discrediting my theory and making it sound ridiculous. I gave up and waited for his reply. Though I had been expecting it, the shrill ringing of my phone caused me to jump. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself, and I glanced at the screen. Stuff. I need you to meet me. I sucked in a breath through my teeth. Stuff. What exactly did that entail? My mind swirled with implications. I replied again. Okay. When? Where? Before I knew it, he had replied once again. Now, if you wouldn’t mind. At my house. Your mother won’t mind, will she? Now?! I fought back the panic just long enough to message him back and let him know that I was on my way, and then, I let the anxiety completely engulf me. After quickly washing my face, brushing my hair, and applying a coat of lip gloss, I strolled into the living room. My mother was sitting on the sofa, one hand grasping a bottle, and the other slung carelessly around some guy’s neck. She was drunk and high, no doubt about that. The men always came and went too quickly for me to catch any of their names. They brought booze and drugs; they enabled her, so I had no desire to know any of them. The bass of the stereo was much too loud, thus forcing me to shout. “Mom.” No answer. “MOM!!” Her and her male “friend” glanced up at me. Their annoying laughter trailed off. “I am going to a friend’s to study. I’ll be back later. Okay?” She stared at me stupidly and waved her hand dismissively. I sighed and rolled my eyes before turning to leave. A voice called out. Against my better judgment, I stopped abruptly and turned around. “Where are you going, sweetheart?” The man called drunkenly. “Out.” I said harshly. I turned and made my way for the door once again. As I placed my hand on the doorknob to turn it, a hand grabbed my jacket, pulling me back roughly. I stumbled backward and fell into the dirty, foul-smelling stranger. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me closer to him. “Let go of me!” I cried, struggling to pull away from him-his grip tightened. “Aaw. Don’t go! Come and join the party, princess!” He sneered. “No! Let go of me!” I shot a fleeting glance in my mother’s direction. I asked myself how she could not notice what was happening? I fought against him with all of my strength as his filthy hands roamed, groping me. I cried out in pain as he slammed the back of his hand into my cheek. His class ring gouged into my skin, sending a burning pain through it. “MOTHER!!!! Help me!!! Do something!!” I sobbed. She looked in my direction, not really seeing me-she shrugged her shoulders and closed her eyes. My blood turned to ice in my veins. How could my mother just sit there and let this happen? Mothers were supposed to take care of their children-protect them. I had cared for her when she was too high or hung-over to take care of me-much less herself. I had always been there. It was the ultimate betrayal to have her just sit there with her eyes closed, pretending that her daughter-her own flesh and blood - was not being assaulted just a few feet from the spot where she sat. With my strength dwindling and my options limited, I took the first action that came to mind. I grabbed his shoulders firmly and with one quick movement, I slammed my knee into his groin. He fell to the floor, clutching himself and moaning in agony. I pulled the door open and ran out into the crisp, December night without looking back. 2. Confidante Although I had only ran about a block from my house, I had to stop and catch my breath, because my sides were cramping in protest. Looking up just long enough to catch a glimpse of the neon sign for Aaron’s Pizza, I ducked into the alley, and slowly sank to the ground. I rested my head against the brick wall that was relatively warm in comparison to the frigid breeze. I sighed. Why did things have to get so messed up? What did I do to deserve this? I looked up at the sapphire sky. No one answered. My eyes flew open as my cell phone rang shrilly, bringing to mind my earlier arrangements. I reached my numb hand into my coat pocket and pulled it out. I pushed a shaky finger to the talk button and pressed it to my ear. “Hello?” I said quietly. “ Ariana?” He asked. His voice was so beautiful that it warmed me through and through, despite the low temperature outside. I breathed a sigh of reprieve. “Yes?” “Where are you? Are you okay?” Ugh! I noted the concern in his voice, and secretly, I enjoyed it. I wasn’t sure whether to tell him the truth or to lie to him and tell him I was on my way. A cold breeze whipped around my face, as if to tell me that the latter consideration was an unwise one. I sighed again and answered. “ No. I’m really not okay. I am sitting in the alley next to the pizza joint.” “ Sit tight. I’ll be there in a moment.” he said quickly. I mumbled a response quickly and rested my head against the wall, closing my eyes once more. Seconds later, the emotional accumulation of the evening faded and exhaustion pulled me under, embracing me in a deep and dreamless sleep.
